


Monster

by LovelyLittleNothing



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, POV Raphael, Raphael is justifiably Emo and has been for years, Raphael thinks he's a monster, Raphael-centric, Vague past suicide attempt mention, betrayal hasn't happened bc no thanks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLittleNothing/pseuds/LovelyLittleNothing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael is a monster. </p><p>This is something he acknowledges as fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

Raphael is a monster. 

This is something he acknowledges as fact; lets the truth of it bite into him and drain him completely. He knows this to be as unchanging as the rise and fall of the sun he can no longer feel. It is an unspoken truth. 

Raphael is a monster and monsters don't heal. 

This is somethings else Raphael understands. Monsters like him cannot heal, cannot get better, simply because they do not deserve it. His skin may knit back together and he may walk among the living but he is damned, a forsaken soul trapped inside a body that should have never been. Sometimes, he thinks he may not have a soul at all, thinks he lost it when he clawed his way out of the dirt (or maybe it was Hell?) and emerged hungry, and uncontrollable and _monstrous_. Thinks maybe it was laid to rest by the screams of his friends as he tore into them, all warm blood and fresh fear. Maybe he lost it when he didn't let himself burn in the sunlight, didn't rid the world of one more monster. Thinks _'maybe, maybe, maybe.'_

Raphael is a monster and monsters live in the darkness and sometimes in the darkness he can still hear the screams, still feel desperate hands begging him to stop, to remember, to save instead of destroy. Other times there is still screaming but instead it is the voices of his family, of his religion, and yes, even of Simon Lewis yelling "Menace," yelling "Forgotten," yelling "You are not of me. You are Monster. Leave me." (Sometimes Raphael wishes to listen.)

Raphael is a monster and monsters do not deserve good. Raphael is a monster and monsters live in darkness. Raphael is a monster and monsters like him burn in the light. 

So why does Simon Lewis not burn him? This is one thing Raphael does not understand. He is Monster, he is Menace, he is all things that go bump in the night so why is he still given light, given someone who refuses to run away? He tells himself the fledgling is too young, too inexperienced to know what danger that lies ahead. Thinks the fledging views him as a night sky instead of an empty void, wonders if the boy sees himself as the bright star Raphael views him as, not quite as bright as the sun but just as dangerous. (Raphael thinks that this does not matter, that all stars die and Raphael is intimately acquainted with death.) (Quietly, Raphael wishes he was not the black hole sucking up the star.)

Raphael is a monster and he understands everything about being a monster except... Except he does not understand how one could ever fall in love with a monster. In the same way he doesn't understand how the sun could fall in love with the night's darkness, Raphael doesn't understand how Simon Lewis could fall in love with him. Simon Lewis deserves a light of his own, like the fiery redhead or the beautiful shadowhunter, not a monster, not him. 

Raphael is a monster and monster don't deserve anything good, or to heal or to move on. Monsters do not deserve to love. But if Simon Lewis is able to love him then how can he be a Monster? If Raphael can love Simon back how is he still a Menace? If one still remembers him, how is he Forsaken?

_he loves_  


_he heals_  


_he moves on_  


_he is no longer black hole, he is night sky_  


_he is night sky and the stars do not burn_  


_he is not monster_  


_he never was_  


_(it is an unspoken truth)_

**Author's Note:**

> My first Saphael fanfic, kinda just testing out the writing waters since I haven't written in awhile and it turns out I tend to write rly emo stories woops! Hope this turned out okay! 
> 
> Find me on my main tumblr @raphaelslewis or my less used @shinigamisivan or aesthetic tumblr @lovelywanderings


End file.
